Let’s say you want to go to a pop-punk concert. Calm down! I’m not accusing you of anything, I’m just saying, for hypothetical purposes, what if you wanted to go see Modern Baseball or Pity Sex? Going to concerts costs money and takes time and involves being around a lot of people who smell like the inside of a ostrich’s cloaca.
YouTube sensation Jarrod Alonge has got the solution you’ve been waiting for.
“This song goes out to all you guys in khaki shorts!”
In this video, Alonge (in what, for his sake, I sincerely hope is not his real voice) lovingly skewers the typical banter at a pop-punk show. Around the 2:30 mark, Alonge spoofs the little-known hardcore beef between Matty Mullins of Memphis May Fire and The Amity Affliction’s Joel Birch. Just goes to show that no matter how small the subculture, there will always be room for ridiculous feuding. There are some skillful barbs towards Fall Out Boy (or, as my mother knows them, The Fall Out Boys) later on, as well.
Don’t worry, it’s the early stuff.
At any rate, it’s a nifty video. If you watch it all without pausing, the consistently swooping cadence of Alonge’s voice lulls you into some sort of trance, where one could quite possibly achieve a fuck-you-mom-and-dad nirvana.
“Mom and dad just don’t understand!”
No matter who you are, this video will speak to you. It can serve as an uplifting reminder of why you love pop-punk so much, or a grim reminder of why you hate pop-punk so much. There is no middle ground. As the original pop-punker Buddy Holly once said,
RAGE ON